Self portrait of a brain

It’s been about a month since I have posted a blog and earlier today, I accidentally blogged a blog via text messages as I was typing, so I guess it’s time to spend some time typing. There's not really a point to this post, other than as an exercise/an attempt to make my random thoughts somewhat coherent.

My writing process is such that… I have all these thoughts and feelings that build up inside me, right? I'm sure you do too. So, at a certain point, we all use something as an outlet, and I started thinking about why writing works for me…

I like to type- We took a typing class in, I want to say 5th grade at P.W. Engvall Elementary, so whatever year that was, we started typing lessons. Remember home row? I don’t use it, and I don’t type correctly, but I can whip out around 65 wpm, with pretty consistent 95% accuracy, and that’s enough. Shoutout to California’s education system. Woot, woot! There is definitely something about typing that engages your hands/keeps them busy that is good for people with anxiety. When you’re focused on the screen and making your thoughts appear without having to look up and down, it is magical.

Do people stop and think about stuff like this? It’s so commonplace to us anymore, that like, we forget how recently this coping mechanism existed. Ok, typewriters… but in terms of like, identifying that it’s useful as a coping mechanism, maybe is more what I mean.

Sidebar from the foodie in me: Omg, note to self- find out about the taco sauce in their cafeteria. Epic. Let me know where to find it. I want that nostalgic experience again. 

Within the past six months, I saw some meme about how “Everything that is “you”, like the essence of you, exists in your brain, and I can’t stop thinking about it.” For a minute I was like, oh that’s creepy, but every once in a while, it’s popped up in my thoughts, and now I’ve thought about it to almost the point of overthinking it… Oddly enough, that overthinking was refreshed when I started listening to this book, recommended by my psychologist, too! Specifically, chapters 2 and 3.

Like, I’m just a brain, and so are you, which for me, brings the imagery of what Kraang from TMNT looks like (even though I know he’s not a brain, he's an alien or whatever, shut up nerds)…

So we are all brains connected to our bodies, but my body isn’t ME, right? But like, "me" needs the body to exist, so that’s why the nerves are so important, and why they need to be maintained to transmit information to the brain, to interpret and respond accordingly. Neuropathy, #lookitup.

All of our nerves and the sensations they transmit, the emotions they evoke when stimulated, the feelings of nostalgia, they are able to be recreated by different actions or behaviors. For example, after a night of too many LIITs, you may get a wave of nausea when you smell vodka or sour mix for a while. “Me” or “You” remembers that sensation by the smell of it’s ingredients. Maybe you can generate the feeling of tasting something just by thinking about it. Not everyone can. As we age and our faculties start to deteriorate, we rely on those feelings to stay connected and grounded in reality more than most of our grandparents will care to to admit.

TV and Movies have shown this concept over and over SO many times, so I know that I’m not talking about anything groundbreaking here… A recent example that comes to mind is “Upload”, the Amazon Prime tv show. The Matrix is along these lines, but it wasn't until I came across that weird graphic image/meme that I sat and thought about how I feel about it. I’m not talking about meditation where you’re connected with your body and breathing and stuff, but that’s definitely helpful for mindfulness exercises, too. I’m talking about sitting or laying down in a quiet space, and thinking about what makes you, the brain you, you. Your unique blend of values, beliefs, experiences, and sensations that you can recall just by thinking about them. Have you ever done that? Have you ever tried to relive or recall an experience and felt a physical effect? It's kinda like discovering a new superpower, when you learn how to do it intentionally.

My brain/me glitches when I’m thinking faster than I’m processing/speaking. If I’m really excited about something that I haven’t memorized/practiced, my mouth twitches or clicks. It happens while I’m talking, but also when I’m just sitting around thinking, or typing. This is why I’m better at communicating through writing/typing. It focuses my energy into getting the thoughts out, without expecting someone to absorb/understand/process/and respond to those thoughts at that moment. Maybe your brain/you work(s) like this too.

For so many of us that grew up on AIM, this is centric to who we are. We are writers that need to express ourselves through typing, and alot of us forgot about how much we 

1. Enjoy it

2. Are good at it 

and 3. How many people you meet everyday in passing that are repressed writers, who need to schedule some quiet time to type out their thoughts. I don’t recommend suggesting it to random people you encounter at the store, but you’ll see them there the next time you go.

They’re the ones quietly absorbing all the nonsense that exists in their environment and publicly lose their mind over the prices of produce or the fact that right now, Marc's has a 12 pack of Cherry Diet Pepsi for $8.79, and 24 packs are $8.99, but not available in Cherry Diet!? They burst out “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT!?” and look around, desperately seeking someone willing to engage with their outrage. They’re also the lady sitting next to you at the nail salon who, unprovoked, begins telling you about the last time she was there. Only one of those happened to me, I'll let you decide which one.

The 90’s mean girl in me: Oh, you’ve been here BEFORE? Cool… Noone cares. Shut uuuuuup.

Also, I want to throw in that I’m so happy about the depiction of anxiety that Inside Out 2 gave us. Is it perfect or applicable to everyone, always? No… but it’s such a great way to spread the concept to children of what is going on inside their brains and how they can learn to manage their emotions. It’s so powerful and important that we are working on mental health like this, as a culture. There really is hope for future generations to be able to learn how to control their emotions, become more self-aware, develop & be compassionate of the struggles’ of other types of people! We can’t function on "24-7 anxiety", and we need healthy, positive ways to express ourselves. If you have a blog, or online journal or something, let me know, maybe our brains can exchange thoughts. 

Seriously, though, how weird is that image? What colors/what imagery/how would your brain’s self portrait look? #brainselfportrait