Don't call it pop. You're wrong.

What was your first car? This was mine. Not this exact one. I found this pic on Google.

1991 VW Cabriolet

My mom bought it from her friend for a thousand dollars in 2002. I wasn't allowed to get my license until then as a punishment for sneaking out (with a co-pilot), borrowing my step-dad's full size truck and driving to a friend's house at 14. I mean, we also panicked, hit his fence, drove into a ditch, scraped up the truck, and I think a mailbox was injured, so I'm not complaining... Just saying. Since then, I've had so many cars. A red mustang convertible, a couple of Sonatas, a hot pink Eclipse, an Edge that I did Uber drives in, a squealing and busted up minivan, a Civic Si that I thought was just the coolest at the time, just to highlight the favorites...

Cars are so much more than a mode of transportation to me. They're freedom, opportunity, and possibility. Driving a manual through the valley while listening/singing along to music is probably my favorite form of therapy. Cuyahoga Falls' valley cruises aren't just a thing for stoners, (you can do it completely sober, ya'll!) and I used to go along because I enjoyed the music and the view. I wasn't invited on many because I was pretty judgmental about them back then, and always complained about needing to roll the windows down. Me: "We're gonna smell like smoke and get arrested!"

This weekend, our car went on strike and decided it wasn't going to turn on anymore. After extensive negotiations and every person asking us the same, well-intentioned, diagnostic questions, the tow truck took it away, and I had a complete freak out/melt down because, "What if we need to pick up a kid? What about groceries? We need to pick up prescriptions, what if a million other things happened?", kind of stuff, ya know?.... I was like, "I need a rental and I need it now! Or, you know what, while it's at the dealership, let's just sell it in and get a new car. We're going to have to get too many things fixed. Here, I found 5 we can get by tomorrow."

Within two hours of getting it back, one of the kids needed picked up, but for the most part, we were perfectly fine without it for 4 days. We were able to use delivery services, borrow a vehicle when we needed to, family offered to pick up/drop stuff for us, but the whole time I kept feeling completely helpless and that made me feel mad, sad, guilty, and just like all around shit. We are so fortunate to have the support system we do in our collective parents. We don't always give them as much face to face time as they ask for, but we love and appreciate them so much!

I tried to channel my anxiety into something productive, and ended up cleaning out a closet. I tore apart three other rooms to move things around, re-homed several items, but now the car is fixed AND our closet is more manageable. :)

So, really this post is just to tell my family how great they are and for me to look back on, so I can remember to calm my ass down and breathe. I spend too much time stressing out about things that aren't emergencies, but at the time, they FEEL like emergencies. A constant sense of urgency is a personality trait you like in a restaurant server, or maybe in your workers' compensation claims adjuster, but sometimes it's hard to turn off.

It's hard to trust people to do their jobs when you've been in positions where you didn't do your job as well as you could have. The feeling of needing to micromanage everything is sometimes very necessary, but sometimes you just need to refocus that into something more productive. Our life experiences give us so much data, which we then use to inform our reactions and responses to a perceived crisis. For some of us, it takes a lot more practice to sift through that data and come to the conclusion that rational adults are able to reach quickly. We made a plan and we are ok, stick to the plan. If we aren't ok, we have options, stick to the plan. If those options fall through, we can make a new plan. Stick to the plan.

And then, take the money you saved on repairs to go to Target. :) 12 packs of soda are buy 3, get 40% off, in case you're reading this in real time and need to stock up for the Usher concert this weekend. Don't message me that it's called pop. You're wrong.