Anxiety, Dopamine, and Stickers

I've come to learn that when I feel like everyone around me is mad at me, it often means something else is bothering them, and they don’t know how to ask for help or they just need some space. I used to assume it was about me, internalize their anger, and get scared. Depending on the situation, scared they might leave, scared they might lash out, Idk, anger can be scary in general. Sometimes, if they yelled loudly enough or close enough to my face, I'd cry, but I've gotten to a point in my life where I can identify when it's a "them" issue or a "me" issue, and if I can't, I just start asking questions. I don't have the time or energy to live in the middle or be walking on eggshells around someone.

Fellow “people pleasers” know that another approach here is to try to guess what could be bothering the other person instead of asking them. You know, like when you go buy your partner/spouse something pretty to compensate for being gone all the time and ignoring their feelings? “Maybe they’re upset with me because I didn’t put gas in the car or take out the trash. If I clean up this mess, that will cheer them up and they’ll be less upset with me.” That’s the kind of person I am because those are the kind of things I was taught were of primary value in a relationship.

To be valued in a relationship, you need to contribute to the household income, chores, and pet/child rearing. Boom, you're a great spouse.

To be valued at your job, meet your goals efficiently and consistently with the appropriate amount of professionalism. Boom, you're a great employee.

I haven't fully learned how to be valued by myself, though, because for so long, I didn’t know who myself was and what myself really valued. To be honest, I still am working on figuring this out; Maybe you are too. Boom, you're the you-est you. (Also referred to as self-actualization.)

Since I haven’t been working, I’ve been struggling with self value, self worth, my overall direction in life, and that’s led to a lot of anxiety. I listed my résumé and some people have reached out to me, so then I went on some interviews and found myself back in the position of discussing my offense and felony background. As previously experienced, it’s still a no-go for most employers and staffing agencies, in case anyone was wondering.

All that rejection definitely weighs on your self esteem, but that’s my reality now, and I can’t just, give up and cry about it. Something that helped me, and might help you (or someone you know) too, was when my husband reminded me that he values me, not because of how well I parent, cook/clean, or my paycheck, but because I make him happy just by being there. There are no conditions of whether or not he loves me, and any anger/ being upset about something I did/didn’t doesn't change whether he loves me or not. Have you told anyone that lately? Maybe you don't need to hear it, but I did, and that leads me to believe that other people need to hear it too, so I made it into a sticker! #arttherapy #dailyaffirmation

Here’s the thing, as precious and touching as that sentiment is, if I don’t remind myself of it, and if I rely on him to constantly tell me things like that, it gets lost in the shuffle of life pretty quickly. Also, if he DID walk around saying stuff like that everyday, I’d be like, "Eww, stop! " Emotions are whack, you guys.

You might be thinking, well, yeah, this is why we teach kids about self esteem, and you’re right… But do we teach them how to strengthen their sense of self so that when they experience periods of sadness or hurt as adults, they can identify the need to actively engage that self-esteem boosting technique?

Cause that’s today’s point…

When it's time to intentionally focus on your own self-esteem, what do you do? What do you teach your children to do, by example? Do you look up an ex online and make sure they're doing worse than you? Go shopping? Hit up the casino? All of those activities release dopamine, but there are other ways to maintain your dopamine equilibrium.

When I find myself struggling with anxiety, getting down on myself, wanting to stay in pajamas all day (NGL, this is most days), worrying that I’m not doing or BEING enough, I’ve learned that it’s up to me to pull myself out of that funk. (To the Boomers and the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and suck it up” approach to mental health, that’s not what this is.) 

Enter positive affirmations. <<If you've seen Mythic Quest, imagine Poppy's energy over "Dinner Party" here. >>

IDC if they sound stupid, just try them! See if you don’t feel better about yourself and approach your day with a different perspective, even if you feel silly at first.

Examples of these could be encouraging notes you write yourself on a white board, a sticker on your dashboard, writing in a gratitude journal, scheduling yourself time to reflect on things you’ve overcome and thinking about lessons you’ve learned (maybe that one you type out and post as a blog post lol). 

Identifying and communicating that you need this is a huge step in and of itself, but following through and doing it just hits differently. If you know someone who needs help getting started, I'll be adding more positive affirmation stickers to my little shop because it goes along with my design software hobby, but you can do this for free! Write a little love note reminding people you care about that they make your world better simply by being a part of it. That's what's great about positive affirmations, they work whether you're giving or receiving them.